This morning a had what felt like an epiphany. It may be my life's purpose to write about the challenges I face. I'm a good writer and there are lots of people who need to know they are not alone, bla, bla, bla... I'd expand on why it seemed like such an important realization, but I can't remember. I'm sure I could recite the reasons, but now they seem hollow because I can't summon the same feeling.
That's the point. Hour by hour and moment by moment, I am hostage to the whims of my brain. Part of it is ADHD. Depression and anxiety play into the mix. I also have invisible triggers that prompt a trauma response -- Danger! Hold still. Back away. Don't do that again. Don't even think about it.
I have notebooks full of affirmations and valuable insights that I have gained by carefully examining my life and reading good books. These are the scripts of my ongoing effort to coax myself into my upside state of mind. When I get there, I believe that I have power over my life, that I can achieve things, that I can be happy, that I can be at peace.
But despite my best efforts, I spend a lot of time each day focusing on the downside. I disbelieve things I believed days, hours, or moments before. I sometimes scuttle planned tasks as they morph in my mind from empowering and important to uninteresting and intolerable.
I often feel like the track has abruptly disappeared before my train. I thought this track went somewhere. I thought there would be a chance to switch tracks. Did I miss a junction? I'd like to continue on that nearby track. Why doesn't this one connect to it? What do I do now?
I reach such a point several times a day. Whatever activity, mindset, or vision I thought would carry me farther fails to do so. Whatever once seemed like the next option isn't an option anymore. I have to back up this train and find a new way to go forward. It won't be the way I expected, and it won't be what others expect of me.
I feel like I am backing up and starting over all the time. Because what are the alternatives? I can sit at the end of the track moping as watching all the other trains chug past without trouble. I've done a lot of that. I can use brute strength to pick up my train and move it to another track. Well, of course I can't actually do that, but I can exhaust and injure myself trying. I've done that a lot because that's what people, myself included, tend to expect. Why are you stopped? You're supposed to be at the next station already! No, I don't want your excuses. There's the track you need to be on. Now get moving!
<Insert meaningful conclusion here.> I've lost interest. :)
